HELIOLITH

The rumbling of oversize pickups on the freeway
blown up the hill to my frontyard
float by me: indifferent,
where before the slightest vibration
nearly pushed me off the edges of sanity

as i sit here after running to the sea and back
the aroma of sand and the faintest stench of cats mix
and the streetlamp shining
through the wooden slats of the unpainted fence
casts beams of light across the tingling in my scalp,
the ringing in my neck and the burning in my lungs
heat the neighborhood around me
all from sprinting so quickly right toward the finish
until my hair stood on end.

All sensations cascade around me as one buzzing pulsing hum
I’m wondering how many others
perceive vision as thought and confuse the sensations
inside their heads as the rushing blood
ignites sleeping circuits deep in the inner ear

the whole race to the water’s edge
ignited from the hazards of struggling to parse out
the code of a language that I cannot yet dream in
nor has a country or citizens with which to immerse myself–
the lymph stagnated in my joints
while I mentally run the same pathways looking
for glimpses of meaningful patterns –cursing
I give up time and again–

Pushing against limits I cannot think around
furious with the lack of breakthrough–
forcing me to fly out the front door,

pursued only by great malice for limitations.
The crack of the broken screen door behind me,
the fast creak of the gate torn open and
the first few slaps of my sneakers on the pavement
cascade around me splashing off the silence
of our silent street on Sunday night
throwing bright red brushstrokes against the nightsky

now I look up at the moon
and hear the shrill cries of little bats circling after twilight
the moon seems eclipsed but it isn’t,
it’s just the blind-spot in my eyes
my image of self blurred beyond recognition
covering her with clouds or maybe rain–
The collision of so many new roles
it will take me years to assimilate
all sharply focused by the dusk of my own weekend

my image blurred like something you struggle to see in a dream,
but it eludes you
perhaps the words on this page,
or the position of objects oriented about you
or their colors–

it’s all faded to dark gray now–
and i fall back to the comfort of darkness
Soothed by the loss of seething heat
that itself whispered only of burning and dying
leaving me alone after its demands for expression
with a flickering candle
and a faint longing for sleep